Awesome Linux (vs Windows) jokes of all time


Let me start with some tiny fun missiles on windows!
Windows means "Work is never done on Windows systems"
Computers are like air conditioners, they stop working properly if you open Windows.
Never trust an operating system you don't have the source of.
"Windows For Dummies", another term of "this sentence no verb"
My SPARCstation has air conditioning. No need to open windows.
Micro$oft broke Volkswagen's world record: Volkswagen only made 22 million bugs!
Have you reinstalled your Windows today?
In a world without walls and fences - who needs windows and gates?!
Windows - The best $199 solitaire game you can buy!
Windows is true multitasking... it can bootup and crash at the same time!
Macs are for those who don't want to know why their computer works.
Linux is for those who want to know why their computer works.
DOS is for those who want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Windows is for those who don't want to know why their computer doesn't work.
Computers are like air conditioners -- they stop working properly if you open WINDOWS.
Try this ==> sudo apt-get moo
"Windows has always borrowed, copied, intergrated and assimilated ideas and even source code from many other systems.
A few years back, I remember running a buit-in windows command on a Windows 2000 domain controller, and getting the error message

"error: /dev/tty not found"
Windows user's prayer

Our Windows, who is on harddrives
Wide open your ports
You viruses come,
On 95 as it is on XP

Give us this day our daily ServicePacks
and forgive our Linux partitions
as we forgive those flaws from your drivers
and lead us not into the blue screen
but deliver us from software conflicts.

Yours is the whole RAM and harddrive
and all processor's Hertzs
forever and ever CTRL+ALT+DELETE!
Microsoft vs Linux

Three Microsoft engineers and three Linux engineers are about to board a train to a computer conference. The Linux engineers notice that the Microsoft engineers bought only one ticket between them.

The Linux engineers ask the Microsoft engineers how they plan on getting to the conference. "Watch and learn," one of the Microsoft engineers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Microsoft engineers rush from their seats and all squeeze into one restroom. When the conductor comes through the car he knocks on the restroom door and says "ticket please!" The door opens a crack and the one ticket is handed to the conductor. The Linux engineers are impressed, and decide that's what they will do on the trip back.

Then on the return trip, the Linux engineers notice that the Microsoft engineers haven't bought any tickets. "How do you plan on getting home without any tickets?" they ask. "Watch and learn," one of the Microsoft engineers tells them.

As soon as the train leaves the station, the three Linux engineers hurry for the restroom. A few moments later, one of the Microsoft engineers gets up from his seat, knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket please!"
Linux Mottos Linux, because we don't need no steenkin' Blue Screen of Death!

The nice thing about Windows is - It does not just crash, it displays a dialog.

Fatal Error: Found Windows Vista System -> Repartitioning Disk for Linux...

Linux: "You've got questions we've got answers and no distracting dancing paperclips."

Linux: because a PC is a terrible thing to waste.

Linux, DOS, Vista : "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"
Heres one. You'll only get this if you are an aussie and you can see the funny side of ALL jokes.

A geek was sitting at a bar and a hot blonde walks up to him and says:
"Hey baby! Wanna root?"
The geek stood there dumbfounded and then suddenly replied:
"Its not safe to be root!"
If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
Q: What's the difference between a Windows PC and a Trampoline ?
A: You take your boots OFF to jump on a trampoline.
If Restaurants functioned like Microsoft....

If restaurants functioned like shrink-wrapped (Microsoft) software:

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer;what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:

Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . . . . . . . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . $1.00
5 reasons why I'm convinced that my penis runs Linux.

1. I can create child processes
2. I can handle multiple users on any platform at once.
3. I'm VERY user friendly.
4. I have incredible uptime.
5. When my system load gets too heavy, I end up dumping my core and the system shuts down.
Q: What did Linux say to the Windows partition?
A: Go fsck yourself!!
One day God called the President of the United States, an Atheist and Bill Gates to heaven. When they go there God told them that He was going to end the world in 30 days. He wanted to tell them so they could inform the rest of the world. The Atheist leader went back and said to his friend "I have bad news and worse news. The bad news it we were wrong about, there is a God. And the worse news is he is going to end the world in 30 days". The President went back and told the Senate "I have good news and bad news. The good news is God is talking to me! Oh.. and the bad news is he is going to kill us all in 30 days." Bill went back to Micro$oft and called a meeting. When everyone go there he said "I have good news and better news. The good news it, God thinks I'm on of the most well connected people on earth. The better news is, we don't have to fix Windows Vista!"
sudo chown -R us ./allyourbase

If you don't get that you are a noob.
A Geek's one night stand:

whois && gawk && uname && talk && date && wine && touch && unzip && strip && touch && finger && mount && fsck && more && yes; yes; more; yes; umount && make clean && sleep
$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery

$ touch /woman
touch: cannot touch `woman': Permission denied

$ look into "my eyes"
can’t open my eyes

$ man -kisses dog
dog: nothing appropriate
One day Bill Gates died and met god. God said "Now then, Bill, i'll show you heaven and hell and you can choose which one you want to go to. Sound good?"
"Yeah!,"replies Gates. So god takes Gates to hell first. In hell he shows him pretty maidens, beautiful landscapes and an endless supply of pop tarts. "So you like it?"he asks him. "Yeah, it's great,"Gates replies. So god takes him to heaven. In heaven he shows him quite pretty maidens, quite beautiful landscapes and a not quite endless supply of pop tarts. "So bill have you made your choice?" "Yes, God. i want to go to hell," "OK then." And Bill Gates is whisked away to hell. But it is not the hell he saw before. Here there are no pretty maidens, no beautiful landscapes and no pop tarts. Instead there are all the most horrible things ever. "Aaaahhhh! Where am I!"asks Gates. "In hell,"replies god. "But it's not how it was before!"cries Gates. "Aahh. That was just the demo Bill."
Lastly, /home is where the /heart is.

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